Holiday Hickman Carols

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xmassBgCLROver the years, my wife and I have occasionally written (or, rather, rewritten) Christmas and Holiday Carols to make them more (or less) relevant to my life. Many of these were written when my family and I were living in Wisconsin while others have been written in Arizona. I hope you will enjoy this rather miniature ‘filksing’ and may the holidays bring you joy as they always bring us.

!FA_LALA

Cows on the Barntop

With apologies to “Up on the Housetop”

Cows on the barn top
Moo-Moo-Moo!
Looks like a job for Sven and you!
How did the cows get up so high?
UFOs or pigs that fly?

(CHORUS)

Oh, no! No!
Who’s gonna go?
Oh, no! NO!
Who’s gonna go?
Up on the Barn-top
Qvick! Qvick! Qvick!
Down come the cows
From the roof that’s slick!

Look at that heifer of Uncle Lind
Making a milkshake in the wind
How ’bout that Guernsey of Aunt Yavick?
She’s our bovine Old Saint Nick!

(CHORUS)

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Bratwurst Roasting on a Charcoal Fire

NOTE: This was written while we were in Wisconsin and dealing with a special brand of Midwestern Christmas.
(to the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire a.k.a. ‘The Christmas Song”)

Bratwurst roasting on a Charcoal Fire
Root Beer foaming up your nose.
You’ll warn Carol not to sit by the fire
And our snow birds are Eskimos
Catch your winter cold . . .
Some turkey ate the mistletoe
He’s the guy who isn’t bright.
Tiny tots, with their clothes full of snow
Are trudging ‘cross the rug tonight.

They know the bathroom’s on the way
They’re pealing off their coats and sweaters while they pray
That all the zippers work and won’t get stuck
‘cause if they are then they’re right out of luck.

And so, I’m offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although its been said, many times many ways
Don’t get snow in your shoes.

santaCLRFreddy the Fisherman

NOTE: Though we lived in Wisconsin for many years, the phenomenon of ‘Ice Fishing’ remains a mystery to us to this very day.
(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Freddy the Fisherman
liked to ice fish on the lake
He would cut his hole / like some winter mole
With an ice pick and a rake.

Freddy the fisherman
for all winter he would sit
‘til his feet were blue / and his nose was, too,
hoping that some fish would hit.

There must have once been thinking in
his brain before he went
But why he likes this sport at all
Indicates his brain is spent.

Freddy the fisherman
Hurry up for goodness sake!
For a thaw has come / and it would be dumb
to sink your truck out in the lake.

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Where’s the Snow?

NOTE: Unlike the most other lyrics found here, this was written after we moved to Southern Utah … a desert region.
(to the tune of “Let it Snow”)

Oh, the weather outside is lovely
But our Christmas looks quite ugly
Our sleigh has no place to go…
Where’s the snow, where’s the snow, where’s the snow?

The sun in the sky is shining
While for winter we’re all whining.
The snowbirds refuse to go …
Where’s the snow, where’s the snow, where’s the snow?

While we work on our tans ’til five
In convertibles that we all drive
Leave the top down and there’s no harm
‘Cause all the way home we’ll be warm!

The Temperature still is rising
And, frankly, it’s not surprising
Our Rudolph wears shorts that glow
Where’s the snow, where’s the snow, where’s the snow?

!COW2FAACowride

NOTE: Wisconsin is known for its cows, cheese and other bovine specialties. This got us to wondering what ‘special celebrations’ this might inspire…)
(to the tune of “Sleighride”)

Just hear those cowbells ding-a-ding
Ring-bing-ding-a-dong-doo!
Come on it’s lovely weather for a cow ride together with you!
Outside the heard is calling you
Can’t you hear them Moo! Moo!
Come on it’s lovely weather for a cow ride together with you

Head’em up! Head’em up! Head’em up! Let’s go!
Let’s put on a show!
We’re going with the whole dang heard in tow!
Head’em up! Head’em up! Head’em up! It’s neat!
A real farmer treat!
We’re bouncing along on the back of an animal you can eat!

Our mount’s are Bess and Flossy and here’s a Bossy for you.
We’re gonna stampede main street
with a heard of a hundred or two.
Just watch the shoppers fleeing and cop cars going “Woo! Woo!”
Come on it’s lovely weather for a cowride together with you.

There’s a milking at the dairy of old Farmer Sven
We can make some money while we flirt with daughter Gwen
We’ll be telling tall tales while filling pales
Don’t spill a single drop.
And avoid standing back where Bossy must go plop!
Plop! Plop! Plop!

There’s a pub-li-ci-ty blitz that you could never buy!
When we drive our herd down Broadway for that Nightline Guy!
We’ll be making the rounds of Talk Show hounds
like Letterman and Jay!
This wonderful herd we have heard
will be interviewed on Today!
This wonderful herd we have heard
will be interviewed on Today!

Our mount’s are Bess and Flossy and here’s a Bossy for you.
We’re gonna stampede main street
with a heard of a hundred or two.
Just watch the shoppers fleeing and cop cars going “Woo! Woo!”
Come on it’s lovely weather for a cowride together with you.
With you!
With you! MOO!


The Wonderful Packer Fan

NOTE: Before more recent Packers became the Superbowl Champions, there was something of a minor ‘dry spell’ to which this song refers.
(to the tune of “The Wonderful Little Toy”)

When I was a little boy / I’d watch on my T.V.
Bart Starr draw back and throw the bomb
We’d score and cheer with glee.
We’d watch that game and never loose
Green Bay was on the top.
We marched the field / the green machine
and I cheered beside my Pop.

He went . . .
Rah! when we scored and
Yeah! when we sacked and
Wow! when er’ we passed.
I’d vowed to be a Packer fan
every day until my last.
I’d vowed to be a Packer fan
every day until my last.

Well I grew up and times have changed,
the Pack just ain’t the same.
Bart Starr got sacked by management
and the team plays kind’a lame.
We spent a lot on would be stars
their contracts do amaze
but at the snap they play like crap
On the turf they seem to graze.

Now we …
Groan! when we’re beat and
Argh! when we’re sacked and
GRRRR! when we loose downs.
I’d vowed to be a Packer fan
but I just can’t stand these clowns.

So we . . .
Groan! when we’re beat and
Argh! when we’re sacked and
GRRRR! when we loose downs.
I’d vowed to be a Packer fan
but I just can’t stand these clowns.
I’d vowed to be a Packer fan
but I just can’t stand these clowns.


Snowplow Men are Coming to Town

NOTE: Snow in the midwest can get rather deep during the winter … and remain until sometime in June. This song warns of yet another hazard brought by the snow.
(to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

You’ld better not park / Next to road
Be ready to move / Before you unload.
SNOWPLOW MEN ARE COMING TO TOWN!

Their thundering trucks / Are throwing the snow,
Burying kids / Wherever they go!
SNOWPLOW MEN ARE COMING TO TOWN!

They’re working while your sleeping
They’re keeping you awake
Their juggernaut’s relentless so
watch out for goodness sake!

So, don’t shovel to clear / your driveway too soon.
Their billowing shush / Will strand you ’til noon.
SNOWPLOW MEN ARE COMING TO TOWN!

RUDOLFRandolf the Red Nosed Raingoat

NOTE: A neighbor down the street from our Wisconsin home use to put a stuffed deer – housed in a glass guncase – on his roof every year. He would screw a red light into it’s nose and impress all the eighteen-wheel trucks that came down the road with his ersatz ‘Rudolf.’ Unfortunately, a strong wind came up one year and blew the guncase off the roof. The stuffed deer was completely ruined. We thought (or secretly hoped) this would be the end of the tradition but our neighbor was not to be disuaded from his annual display. The following year, the guncase was again on the roof but, as the neighbor had no spare for the stuffed deer, he utilized a substitute … that year we enjoyed a stuffed GOAT with a red light screwed into its nose. Thus, the following inspired song…
(to the tune of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reigndeer”)

Randolf the red nosed Rein-goat / Ain’t a very pretty sight.
and if you ever saw him / He would give you quite a fright.
He’s on a nearby roof top / Sitting in a glass gun case.
He’s the replacement reindeer / with a very un-deer face.

Last years Rudolf-clone fell down
the stuffed buck crashed and froze
So this year they put up a ram
with a red lamp in his nose.

So, all the truckers ogle / and they bellow out with glee.
Randolf the red nosed Rein-goat
You’ll go down in hist-o-ry.


I’ll Stay Home for Christmas

(to the tune of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”)

I’ll stay home for Christmas / ‘Cause I’m all Snowed in.
We’ll have snow / and winds that blow
The drifts above the trees.
I’ll stay home for Christmas / Count me out this year.
I’m stuck home for Christmas / The ice age now is here.

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